P.D. Berry Happy Kristmas!
A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor I've got a problem, I've got two personalities.' The doctor answers: 'Be quiet, sit down and let's talk all four of us.'
A SCOTTISH PRAYER
Heavently Father, bless us,
and keep us all alives:
there are eight of us for dinner,
and there is only enough for five!
(Sent by Manuel Tejero from Barcelona, Spain)
Teacher: Mary, have you read "Freckles"?
Mary: No, mine are brown.
(Sent by Lucila Moret from Buenos Aires, Argentina)
An epigram: Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn't have in your home.
(Sent by Vicky Oliva Navarro from Barcelona, Spain)
- What's the definition of mixed emotions?
- Seeing your mother-in-law driving your new car off the edge of a cliff.
(Sent by Vicky Oliva Navarro from Barcelona, Spain)
- A big moron and a little moron were standing on a bridge. The big moron fell off. How come the little moron didn't?
- He was a little more on (moron).
(Sent by Germán Martín from Argentina)
- What happens in the African jungle from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. everyday, even on Sundays?
- Two hours.
(Sent by Gisela Gabernet from Bellpuig, Spain)
- I can turn you into a Red Indian.
- How?
- See? I told you! How!
(Sent by Álvaro Núñez from Málaga, Spain)
- Nine and ten don't exist anymore.
- Why?
- Because seven ate nine and ten.
(Sent by Alexandra García N. from Barranquilla, Colombia)
She: So, why do you call me Eve when my real name is Maria?
He: Because you are the first woman I ever had.
She: Well, then I'll call you Peugeot
He: Why's that? Because I'm good-looking, economical, small and fast?
She: No, darling. Because you're number 206!
(Sent by Laura Pérez from México D.F., México)
- Mum, mum, in school everybody tells me that I'm confused!
- Hey, kid, this is not your house... you live opposite the street!
(Sent by Gaby D. from Santiago del Estero, Argentina)
There was a lady in Niger
Who went for a ride on a tiger.
They returned from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And a smile on the face of the tiger.
(Sent by Silvia Inés Borro from Buenos Aires, Argentina)
Two men at the station:
- At what time does your train leave?
- At two to two. And what about yours?
- At two to two too!
(Sent by María del Pilar Sánchez Tudurí from Cartagena, Spain)
Customer: - Waiter, what's your thumb doing on my steak?
Waiter: - I don't want it to fall on the floor again, sir.
(Sent by Juan Pablo Navarro from Catamarca, Argentina)
- Do you know why the ocean is blue?
- Because fish make blue, blue, blue, blue...
(Sent by Arturo from San Felipe, Chile)
A Chinese is running to the bus stop and he sees that the bus is going away. Is that funny for you?
For the Chinese either.
(Sent by Sapers from Toledo, Spain)
There was a young lady of Ride
Who ate a green apple and died.
The apple fermented
Inside the lamented,
Made cider inside her inside.
(Sent by Jessica Serrano García from Sevilla, Spain)
There were two cows sitting and knitting on top of a mountain. They keep silent... until one of them says: Moo!
The other cow responds: I had it on the tip of my tongue!
(Sent by Isabel María Rodríguez from Sevilla, Spain)
There was a man with a penguin under his arm. Suddenly he met an old friend, who asked him:
- What are you doing with a penguin under your arm? You should carry him to the zoo!
And the man replied:
-Yes, yesterday we went to the cinema, today we've gone shopping and tomorrow we'll go to the zoo!
(Sent by Hernán Rossi from Buenos Aires, Argentina)
There was a man so short that one time he sat down into a marble and said: 'The world is mine!!!'
(Sent by Judith Gayán from Madrid, Spain)
A woman goes to the doctor and tells him: 'You know, Doc, I'm suffering of amnesia.'
The doctor asks, 'OK. When did you notice that?'
The woman replies: 'What?'
(Sent by Diomedes Díaz from Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic)
Why is Santa's Little Helper so depressed?
Because he has no elf-esteem.
(Sent by Carmen Blanco from Gijón, Spain)
What does zero say to number eight?
Nice belt!
(Sent by Ligia Level from Caracas, Venezuela)
What is a child doing on the floor in the supermarket?
Searching low prices.
(Sent by Vanessa Montecino from Neuquén, Argentina)
What is a fish without an eye?
A fsh!
(Sent by Santiago Devia from Bogotá, Colombia)
Why is a student taking a ladder to the school?
Because he wants to get to High School!
(Sent by María Fernanda Mendoza Montoya from Bogotá, Colombia)
What is the difference between a bird and a fly?
That the bird can fly, but the fly cannot bird.
(Sent by Penélope Torres Pliego from México D.F., Mexico)
_______________________________________________________________________________
Teacher: If I had nine apples in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
Student: Big hands!
Wife: Do you want dinner, dear?
Husband: Sure! What are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
Little Lucy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour looked over the fence. Curious about what she was doing, he asked 'What are you doing?'
'My goldfish died,' Lucy answered, 'and I've just buried him.'
The neighbour was surprised. He said 'That's a big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?'
Lucy finished filling the hole and replied, 'That's because he's inside your cat.'
If a lawyer and a tax collector were drowning and you could only save one of them, what would you do: read the newspaper or drink coffee?
Teacher: Thomas, give me a sentence starting with 'I'.
Thomas: I is...
Teacher: No, Thomas. We say, 'I am...'
Student: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
- What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up this morning?
- He said 'Where am I, Mary?'
- And why did that upset you?
- My name is Betty.
- What a strange pair of socks you are wearing today! One is brown and the other one is green!
- Yes, that is really strange. I've got another pair at home that are exactly the same.
My Dad thinks he "wears the trousers" in our house, but in fact it's Mum who always tells him which pair to put on!
- Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat for a lady.
- Well, you did the right thing, dear.
- But Mum, I was sitting on Daddy's lap!
A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!!!'
His wife asks 'Wow! That's incredible! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?'
He answers 'I don't care. Just go!'
- Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
- Yes, I married the wrong woman!
A man went to a restaurant and asked for a soup. When the waiter brought the food, the man said: "Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!" And the waiter said: "Please don't speak so loudly, sir, or everyone will want one!"
Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school, Tom?"
Tom: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back again tomorrow?"
- Shall I tell you a secret about butter?
- You'd better not, I might spread it!
Two sheep were talking to each other.
"You look really tired," the first one said.
"I know," replied the other. "I had to count 800 shepherds last night before I could get to sleep!"
- Mum, can I have a dog for Christmas?
- No, you can have turkey like everyone else!
- What did the ocean say to the beach?
- Nothing, it just waved!
Teacher: You have ten dollars in your pocket. If you lose four, then what do you have in your pocket?
Student: A hole!
- You would be a good dancer except for two things.
- What are those two things?
- Your feet!
Peter was asking for a job as a waiter in a restaurant.
"Do you have any references?" the owner asked him.
"Oh, yes. I worked for six years in a famous restaurant," he said.
"Can you prove it?" asked the owner.
"Of course! I can show you any of the spoons that I stole from them!"
Woman: I'd like a mirror, please.
Salesman: A hand mirror, madam?
Woman: No, it's my face I want to look at!
- Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?
- Because he wanted to work overtime!
- Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
- Because they have big fingers!
- Why is a student taking a ladder to the school?
- Because he wants to get to High School!
Patient: Please, help me, doctor. I'm shrinking!
Doctor: I'm sorry, sir. You'll just have to be a little patient.
- Where do you find a no-legged dog?
- Right where you left him.
- Why was the math book sad?
- Because it had so many problems.
- Why do birds fly south in the winter?
- Because it's too far to walk!
A new tiger was brought to a circus. The other tigers greeted him and said, "What a pity you weren't here in the days of our old trainer. He was very kind, dedicated and delicious!"
- This is my newborn brother.
- Oh, he is so cute! What's his name?
- I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.
There aren't many things upon this earth that make it seems like heaven, but one is to wake at half past six when you thought it was half past seven.
(Sent by Jordi Santamaria from Barcelona, Spain)
Teacher: If I had nine apples in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
Student: Big hands!
Wife: Do you want dinner, dear?
Husband: Sure! What are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
Little Lucy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour looked over the fence. Curious about what she was doing, he asked 'What are you doing?'
'My goldfish died,' Lucy answered, 'and I've just buried him.'
The neighbour was surprised. He said 'That's a big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?'
Lucy finished filling the hole and replied, 'That's because he's inside your cat.'
If a lawyer and a tax collector were drowning and you could only save one of them, what would you do: read the newspaper or drink coffee?
Teacher: Thomas, give me a sentence starting with 'I'.
Thomas: I is...
Teacher: No, Thomas. We say, 'I am...'
Student: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
- What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up this morning?
- He said 'Where am I, Mary?'
- And why did that upset you?
- My name is Betty.
- What a strange pair of socks you are wearing today! One is brown and the other one is green!
- Yes, that is really strange. I've got another pair at home that are exactly the same.
My Dad thinks he "wears the trousers" in our house, but in fact it's Mum who always tells him which pair to put on!
- Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat for a lady.
- Well, you did the right thing, dear.
- But Mum, I was sitting on Daddy's lap!
A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!!!'
His wife asks 'Wow! That's incredible! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?'
He answers 'I don't care. Just go!'
- Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
- Yes, I married the wrong woman!
A man went to a restaurant and asked for a soup. When the waiter brought the food, the man said: "Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!" And the waiter said: "Please don't speak so loudly, sir, or everyone will want one!"
Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school, Tom?"
Tom: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back again tomorrow?"
- Shall I tell you a secret about butter?
- You'd better not, I might spread it!
Two sheep were talking to each other.
"You look really tired," the first one said.
"I know," replied the other. "I had to count 800 shepherds last night before I could get to sleep!"
- Mum, can I have a dog for Christmas?
- No, you can have turkey like everyone else!
- What did the ocean say to the beach?
- Nothing, it just waved!
Teacher: You have ten dollars in your pocket. If you lose four, then what do you have in your pocket?
Student: A hole!
- You would be a good dancer except for two things.
- What are those two things?
- Your feet!
Peter was asking for a job as a waiter in a restaurant.
"Do you have any references?" the owner asked him.
"Oh, yes. I worked for six years in a famous restaurant," he said.
"Can you prove it?" asked the owner.
"Of course! I can show you any of the spoons that I stole from them!"
Woman: I'd like a mirror, please.
Salesman: A hand mirror, madam?
Woman: No, it's my face I want to look at!
- Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?
- Because he wanted to work overtime!
- Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
- Because they have big fingers!
- Why is a student taking a ladder to the school?
- Because he wants to get to High School!
Patient: Please, help me, doctor. I'm shrinking!
Doctor: I'm sorry, sir. You'll just have to be a little patient.
- Where do you find a no-legged dog?
- Right where you left him.
- Why was the math book sad?
- Because it had so many problems.
- Why do birds fly south in the winter?
- Because it's too far to walk!
A new tiger was brought to a circus. The other tigers greeted him and said, "What a pity you weren't here in the days of our old trainer. He was very kind, dedicated and delicious!"
- This is my newborn brother.
- Oh, he is so cute! What's his name?
- I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.
There aren't many things upon this earth that make it seems like heaven, but one is to wake at half past six when you thought it was half past seven.
(Sent by Jordi Santamaria from Barcelona, Spain)
